Do You or Your Partner Withdraw From One Another?

Let’s talk about how silence and withdrawal patterns in relationships can affect the emotional connection in couples. 

I think it would be helpful to start by trying to understand why people withdraw from each other during arguments and overwhelming moments. When you understand the cause of why an individual chooses to withdraw from a conversation and stay silent, it will give you a perspective into that individual’s inner world. It will allow you to access sympathy and empathy towards that individual in moments of relational difficulties. 

Who Is the Pursuer?

Silence in withdrawal are mostly never about not caring about that relationship. Many times some partners take the stance of the pursuer during an argument. A pursuer is someone who attempts to quickly connect with the other person and correct the problem. They try to get a response right there and then in the moment, often “pursuing” or “chasing” their loved one who has shut down. The pursue may think that when their partner withdraws from them during conflict, they disrespect and show a lack care and connection to the partner. The pursuer might even feel abandoned in that moment. 

Why Do People Withdraw?

However, what really happens to that partner who withdraws is their nervous system becomes overwhelmed to the point that their ability to think logically and to reason shuts down. Their emotions flood them to the point that they are no longer able to articulate themselves. They are not able to regulate themselves in the moment. In order to save the relationship (yes, this is one of the main reasons!), their automatic response is to stay silent and withdraw. They will try to sooth themselves. 

Deeper Reasons

If we dig a little deeper, people who is draw also did so when they were young. Most likely they were never taught by their parents to manage their emotions in a healthy way. Most likely, they were never taught that big feelings, like anger and frustration, were okay and acceptable. Now as an adult, these people still do not believe that it is acceptable to be that vulnerable with a person they love.

A Protest Against Disconnection

By withdrawing and staying silent until they regain their ability to process emotions, thoughts, and respond effectively, they try to preserve the connection with their partner. It is almost a protest against disconnection. In reality, any dysfunctional relationship pattern is a protest against disconnection, because emotional connection is always at the core in each relationship. 

This information is not for you to accept that this type of pattern in relationships is okay. It is not okay and needs to be worked on! However, this information is meant to give you insight into this issue. It gives you an opportunity to begin noticing when this pattern of pursue-withdraw happens in your relationship.

Please feel free to reach out when you and your partner are ready to work on improving your relationship!