Important Components of Deep Intimacy in Couples

What do you think are the two main components of deep intimacy between partners who are in a romantic relationship? Take some time to answer that before you keep reading. Everyone may have a different answer, and I would love to share mine.

Two Major Components According to Couples Therapist

Having healthy self-esteem and healthy boundaries are two main components to deep intimacy between romantic partners.

Healthy Self-Esteem in a Relationship

Having healthy self-esteem means you do not rely on anything else but yourself to feel love for yourself. This means that even if you find yourself in tough spot with your partner, you do not go down to a shameful state where you feel small compared to your partner. This also means you do not go into a one-up state where you feel like you have the right to make your partner feel small.

Healthy self-esteem means you hold yourself in warm self-regard even when you mess up, and you do the same to your partner. You are able to bring yourself into a state of self-compassion and compassion towards your partner even when you feel angry.

Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

Healthy boundaries with yourself and others simply allow you to feel protected and connected to your partner, even during the most difficult moments. You do not have to have your defenses up, and you do not have to act on them by becoming aggressive or shutting down.

Now think about yourself. How do you feel about your own boundaries and self-esteem? Again, take some time to answer.

My Experience With Couples

Most of my clients that come to me show signs of low self-esteem, which is such a huge component of being able to be truly intimate in a relationship.

What I learned through years of working with people is that it does not matter if I try to point out their uniqueness, and it does not matter if I challenge their negative thoughts for themselves. I know this even through my own personal experience. Someone calling me beautiful never had a truly positive impact on my self-esteem. It went in one ear, and went out the other.

Here is what does work: Inner child work.

What is Inner Child Work in Couples Therapy?

I teach clients to quiet down that harsh voice in their heads that tells them that they are not good enough. However, I teach them to never be mean to that voice, but to quiet it down with love.

Then, I teach them to summon up all the kindness, tenderness, and warmth that they can possibly imagine and channel it towards themselves.

It is some of the most fulfilling work that I do, especially when I see clients open their eyes after we do the work, and finally feel this tenderness towards themselves. For some, it is the first time in their lives when they felt it.

You can do this, too. Please reach out when you feel ready to do this work. I would love to help!