Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of Resentments?

Let’s talk about resentments towards your partner, and why it is so hard to let go of them. There are many complex reasons why it is difficult to let go of grudges. However, I want so shareI six examples of those reasons. Take a look at them to see if any of them sound familiar to you.

Reasons for Keeping Grudges Alive

*you were “wronged” many times and it has now become a part of your identity 

*resentment became a second nature protective response 

*you are scared to be hurt again

*it is less vulnerable to keep an imaginary wall up around you instead of letting your partner in again 

*resentment gives you a certain righteousness and strength 

*you do not have the skills to feel both protected and connected with your partner at the same time 

Resentment Diminishes Deeper Connection

Resentment is a huge block to deeper connection between partners. It creates such a thick imaginary wall that serves as protection from the internal world of the one who is keeping it up. It is hard to let go of that because with each resentment bottling up, being “the wronged” one becomes a part of that person’s identity. It almost serves as justification to not give love to and not to receive love from a partner. It can also serve as justification to hurt a partner back as a way of letting them know how much they have hurt you. 

As someone who is very familiar with and is in “recovery” from bottling up resentments in the past, I fully understand how much energy they can take away from you. Resentments not only impact your relationship, but they also impact you on a deeper level. It is a heavy backpack filled with rocks that you carry on your back every single day. They cloud your judgment and the way you see your partner. The image of your partner in your head becomes skewed. This image is a collection of all the worst parts that showed up in your partner in the past. However, even though your partner might have changed, this image of them in your head clouds your ability to fully notice these changes and to allow yourself to open up again. 

Letting Go of Resentments

Letting go of resentments is hard, I hear you. The first step is to simply acknowledge the fact that you were hurt and that you are not dealing with that hurt in a healthy way. Allow your body to feel all of the emotions and sensations associated with these emotions. It is important to realize that carrying around grudges does not serve you in any way. You can learn to be powerful and strong in your relationship, and to protect your boundaries while still being respectful of your partner. I strongly believe that any relationship can have a turnaround for the better. I’ve seen it with my own eyes in couples that I have worked with. Relationships with the ones you truly love are so worth working on!

Please reach out when you and your partner are ready to work on improving your relationship!