Co-regulation in Couples

I think we all strive to be independent and self-sufficient human beings. However, sometimes we do forget that it is in our nature to be around other people and to depend on our loved ones in healthy ways. There is a lot of talk about relationships everywhere on social media. Many speak about the importance of having a healthy separation between your partner and yourself. I agree with this to some extent, and let me share what I mean. 

I Agree That Both Partners Are Two Separate Individuals

They are two separate minds who have different perspectives on each situation that they experience. No one is the same. We are all different in some ways. I agree that it is important to learn to love yourself first, which in my opinion means that you learn to accept all parts of yourself, including all of your so-called flaws. Loving yourself means being okay with the idea that you made mistakes in the past, and will make more in the future. It is this self-talk that only includes acceptance and belief in yourself to be a better person every day. However, self-love is a tough concept to really understand and apply to yourself. I can honestly say that most of the clients that I have seen throughout my career focused more on earning love from their loved ones, instead of showing this love to themselves in the first place. Self-love needs to be present in an individual in order to be able to accept another person’s love. 

I Agree With the Idea That Every Individual Needs to Be Self-sufficient

This means that every individual in a couple needs to be able to provide the emotional, financial, and intellectual needs (among others) to themselves when needed. This does not mean that these needs should not be provided for by their partner sometimes as well. Relationships are no longer based on the need to be safe and financially stable. Individuals, especially women, are more interested in other attributes of a couple, such as true intimacy. 

What I Do not Agree With!

I do not agree that each partner in every couple is in charge of regulating their own emotions EVERY SINGLE TIME they become dysregulated during a disagreement or a difficult conversation. This would be amazing in a perfect world where no one ever becomes traumatized, and where everyone has a perfect relationship with their parents that was never disrupted while growing up. 

A Life-Long Process

Being completely in control of your emotions is a life-long learning process. Becoming aware of your tiggers is a life-long process. Learning the skills to manage your emotions is extremely important. However, sometimes even a person with all of this knowledge and self-awareness may feel so overwhelmed that their nervous system goes back to the stress response. That is the moment when a loving partner can lend a helping hand to co-regulate with their partner. 

Having a secure attachment to your partner is just as important as having a secure attachment to your parents when you were a child. This means that at appropriate times, we will need to be able to depend on our partner for emotional support. This is healthy and it does not mean that such a relationship is co-dependent.

When SHOULD You Co-regulate?

Now let me share the appropriate times when co-regulation is necessary in a couple. First, imagine a couple being in a situation where they are extremely overwhelmed during a conversation with one another. One partner’s unhealthy response to their triggers becomes another partner’s trigger. They get stuck in this cycle of getting triggered by their responses to each other. 

In this moment, one of the partners becomes aware of this cycle. They stop and engage in self-regulation and are able to disrupt this cycle for themselves. However, the second partner continues to feel this rush in the body that comes with experiencing all kinds of emotions. This is an appropriate time for the more regulated partner to help their loved one and co-regulate them. It is not the time to withdraw from your partner! Co-regulation may mean providing appropriate physical touch to their partner that they previously discussed. Sometimes, physical touch can be too overwhelming for an individual. Having a conversation about helpful ways of co-regulation is always a must! 

We need to be able to depend on our partners when we go through stressful situations. This applies to even outside of our relationship, such as losing a job, failing an important test, and more. It is healthy and necessary to be there for one another, and to show emotional support to one another. Yes, being independent, self-sufficient, and emotionally intelligent is important. But we are not robots! Sometimes, we need a little extra support, and that is okay!

Did this resonate with you? If you would like to learn more or take a deeper dive into YOUR unique relationship, contact me today!