Why You Do Not Speak Up to Your Partner
There are many different reasons why partners prefer to let an unfavorable moment go with their partner instead of speaking up for themselves. There are as many reasons as there are couples because every couple is different. Every human is different and is very complex. However, throughout my clinical experience, I have seen these reasons fall into a few categories. I want to share them with you so it can become more possible to identify your own reasons.
When I say an unfavorable moment with a partner, I mean a moment that did not feel right. A moment when an angry look from your partner made you feel a certain way. A moment when your partner screamed or yelled at you, manipulated you, invalidated your feelings, and so on. These moments never feel right to you, especially if you pay close attention to your body. These moments can create a trigger response in you. You adapted to use this response in stressful situations throughout your earlier years. Sometimes, this response is staying quiet.
Staying quiet is a self-defense mechanism.
This self-defense mechanism is one of the reasons why partners choose to not speak up for themselves. They also choose to not set up appropriate boundaries with their partner that would ensure that these unfavorable moments do not happen again in the future. Staying quiet is safer and is less overwhelming to you.
Another reason could be a fear of retaliation from your partner.
Based on your previous experiences with your partner during difficult times, you learned that speaking up for yourself often turns into a battle, and leads to possible emotional abuse from your partner. Emotional abuse includes yelling, screaming, manipulating, name calling, shaming, ridiculing, being sarcastic, etc. If you learned that when you speak up, you get an angry and defensive behavior, or passive aggressive behavior from your partner as a way of retaliation towards you, you are less likely to speak up for yourself. You don’t speak up because you are afraid of your partner.
A lack of effective relational skills.
The third possible reason that I will share is a lack of effective relational skills that allow you to show your boundaries in a firm yet loving way. It is a huge learning experience to understand how to not allow your partner’s words or certain body language affect you and your self-esteem in a negative way. It is a learning experience to be able to choose words wisely in the moment to not hurt your partner back. Instead, you continue showing warm regard towards yourself first, and then towards your partner, while being firm with them on what behavior is acceptable when they interact with you.
There are so many layers to this problem, especially because of what our society teaches us about power. It teaches us to not speak up to power because we might regret it in a form of being retaliated against. However, if we do not speak up in a respectful way, we allow our grudges to pile up and form into resentment.
Do you need one-on-one guidance on how to speak up to your partner? For professional therapy services, contact me today!