Five Losing Strategies of Communication Between Partners

Hello and welcome! In this post, I will be sharing the five losing strategies that many couples use in their communication with one another. This information will help you pinpoint the unhelpful strategies that you automatically use with your partner. Becoming aware of how unhelpful they are will give you an opportunity to do something different; something that will benefit your relationship instead of ruining it. Please note that these strategies are natural to humans. They are based on impulses and unhealthy habits that have been established throughout one’s life. 

First Losing Strategy

The first losing strategy is a wish to prove yourself right in your communication with your partner. The founder of Relational Life Therapy (a type of couples therapy model that I am trained in and practice) says that being right means we are going to solve our differences by eradicating them. Proving yourself right is all about invalidating the feelings and thoughts of your partner. It is about not allowing your partner to have a different opinion - different from yours. It means that your feelings are valid, and the feelings of your partner are not. You are right, he is wrong. It becomes like a tennis game, where the ball represents each partner throwing their own scientific evidence to prove their point. This strategy is a complete loser, and will not help your relationship grow. 

The relational answer to who is right or wrong is, “Who cares?”

If your wife thinks of you as an aggressive driver, and you think that you are just a fast driver but a competent one, it doesn’t matter who is right in this situation. However, what matters is that your wife may feel afraid, anxious, and uncomfortable when being in the car with you. Your job is to be considerate of her feelings, which means you need to either arrange transportation for her, or drive in a way that is safe and comfortable for her. Is driving aggressively more important than the well-being of your wife? 

A Solution to This Unhelpful Strategy

A solution to this losing strategy is asking yourself, “Is me proving myself right more important than being considerate of my partner’s feelings?”

Second Losing Strategy

Number 2 out of the top 5 losing communication strategies for couples is: Trying to control your partner. Getting a partner to do anything by manipulating them is a really bad idea, because nobody gets anybody to do anything. This strategy is a loser simply because nobody likes being controlled. You can bully your way into get your way, and you will win the battle but lose the war. Control breeds resentment and passive aggressive payback from the partner who is being controlled. 

Third Losing Strategy

Number 3 out of 5 losing strategies is called unbridled self-expression. The following are the common phrases that partners use to communicate as a part of this strategy:

“Two years ago you…”

“Last week you did…”

“You never…”

“You always…”

“You are a…”

Partners often bring up issues that happened days, weeks, or years ago into their current argument. It happens automatically because those past disruptions in their relationships weren’t repaired properly. However, bringing up the past is never helpful. 

Another way that people use this losing strategy is by oversharing information to a partner that can actually hurt them. This is called boundaryless oversharing. 

Overpowering This Strategy

There is a specific skill to overpower this losing strategy. It is called staying particular. It means that you have to stay focused on whatever the issue is at hand. It is not about what happened two weeks or three years ago. It is about what is happening in the moment with your partner. 

Fourth Losing Strategy

Number 4 out of 5 losing strategies is called retaliation. This losing strategy is based on natural human instinct, but it is completely unhealthy and can be detrimental to a relationship. Retaliation is all about hurting your partner, thinking that they deserve it. It is this idea that if I hurt you bad enough, you will understand exactly how much pain I felt when you hurt me. An example of this is a retaliatory affair. It is a losing strategy because you cannot make someone accountable and empathetic by hurting them. Retaliation can be overt and covert. Covert retaliation is a passive-aggressive behavior that is hurtful to your partner. It is about expressing your anger by what you withhold from your partner. 

This Strategy is Not Worth It

Do not do it if you care about your relationship! There are specific relational skills that you can learn on your own, or in therapy, to deal with pain in a way that will help your partner understand it.

Fifth Losing Strategy

The last losing strategy that I am sharing with you this week is called withdrawal. Withdrawal can be a physical withdrawal. An example of this is when someone walks away from their partner during an argument without saying anything. Another example is simply ignoring your partner. It can also involve shutting down emotionally while still being physically present with your partner. One thing to know about this losing strategy is that you will never get what you need from your partner by withdrawing from them. 

Helpful Therapeutic Exercise

Now that you are aware of the top five losing strategies of communication in couples, here is a helpful exercise that you can do either by yourself or together with your partner to begin changing the patterns between you. First, note the losing strategies that you often use in your communication with your partner. Become an expert in recognizing when you use them daily. Here is the important part of this exercise. Every other day, you will alternate between having an ordinary and magic day, and you will do this for ten days. On ordinary days, you will continue using your usual losing strategies in every communication with your partner, or on at least four occasions. On magic days, you will wake up feeling like magic occurred and gave you a powerful ability to use successful and healthy strategies of negotiation and communication with your partner. You will use those strategies on at least four occasions on magic days. At the end of each day, journal how it felt and how your partner responded to you using the old or new strategies. This is an amazing exercise that will help you begin making healthy changes in your relationship. 

If you are ready to learn how to deal with these losing strategies and how to improve your relationship, contact me today!