What to Do When Your Partner is Ambivalent

One of the most hurtful things in a relationship can be the realization that your partner is withdrawn from your relationship and ambivalent about whether or not they want to continue trying to get it to work. It can feel as though you are trying to break through a wall that does not want to budge. It can feel as though your efforts are never enough. It can feel lonely. It can feel hopeless. You may want to scream and shout for your partner to finally hear you and to finally respond to you. When your partner does not respond, sadness and pain are masked by anger and confusion. It hurts. It really hurts to feel that you are all alone in your relationship. 

When I see ambivalence in a partnership, it almost feels like I am trapped in the feeling of heavy energy between the partners. I feel what they feel because this energy between them is like nothing else out there. 

I want to share a few words about what to do and what not to do with the partner who is ambivalent. These tips will not fix your relationship, but it will allow you to have a different view on it. 

1. Do not demand anything from your partner.

There is always a history of hurt and pain in couples where ambivalence became a routine. This history cannot be removed, and it cannot be forgotten. This history affects partners differently. The more ambivalent partner often holds on to pain and hurt (and a bunch of other feelings) internally. It is hard for them to switch from that to being a loving and caring partners. Demanding anything from that partner will never go well. Demanding their attention will never go well. Be ready to accept that your partner may choose to not want to spend time with you. You can certainly try to engage in communication and time spending with them, but allow them to say no, even though it can be hurtful. 

2. Learn to listen and to hear your partner.

Ambivalent partners are the ones who do not feel heard. Hearing your partner is never about your response to them. It is never about proving your point of view. It is never about you being right. It is about validating and confirming that you heard what they had to say, and that you accepted their point of view. 

3. Learn to be okay with the idea that your partner may have happy moments outside of your relationship.

Sometimes, we feel like our romantic relationship has to be the center of our happiness. However, for couples who have experienced a long history of painful moments, their relationship can be the opposite of happiness. Allow yourself to accept the idea that your partners deserves to be happy. They deserve happiness even if it is outside of your relationship.

4. Do not should on your partner.

You might feel like your partner should want to work on your relationship, or should want to talk to you every moment of the day. However, “shoulding” on your partner is intrusive and unnecessary. It is not healthy communication when you try to push your own ideas onto your partner. Your partner needs the freedom to decide what they want to do. 

5. Do things for your partner ONLY if you do not expect them to give the same back.

Loving someone is a daily practice. Love is not something you have. Love is something you do every minute of your day. Giving to your partner is never about the expectation to receive the same thing back. If you want to ask your partner how their day was, do so without any expectations, especially in a relationship when one partner is ambivalent. It may feel extremely lonely and one-sided. Please know that I am not saying that relationships have to be one-sided when it comes to giving to a partner. Healthy romantic relationships are certainly about giving and receiving. However, in a relationship when there is an ambivalent partner, you need to learn to show your love because it makes you feel good to give, and not because it is a rule. 

6. Seek individual and couples therapy.

This type of problem almost never disappears on its own in a couple. There are just too many variables at play that need to be dealt with in a healthy way. Individual therapy will allow you to process and deal with your own feelings towards the ambivalent partner. Couples therapy will help both of you understand why you got stuck in this cycle of ambivalence and misunderstandings. It will guide your through healing those wounds that caused this pattern to appear. Please remember that you cannot push couples therapy onto your partner, but you can certainly begin this work for yourself. 

I would be more than happy to work with you and your partner when you feel ready. Please contact me here.