Can You Go to Bed Angry With Your Partner?
Have you ever been given the advice not to go to bed feeling angry with your spouse/partner? I am sure many of you have! Let’s talk about why this is actually very poor advice.
I want you to think back and remember an argument that you had with anyone in the past where you felt angry. I know these types of memories are not the memories you want to think about, but it will be easier to understand what I am telling you if you imagine that scenario.
When you think back to a moment where you felt anger towards your partner (or anyone), it must already be overwhelming for you. Try to remember how that anger impacted your ability to think clearly. Try to remember how it impacted your ability to control of your emotions and what words were said to your partner. Try to remember how your body felt when you were angry.
The thing is that when a person feels overtaken by heavy emotions such as anger, they are not able to use the part of their brain that is responsible for logic. A part of the brain that is in charge of emotions takes over, especially in those people who were not taught how to manage heavy emotions in difficult situations. So when you are overpowered by anger, there is absolutely no way that you can feel any empathy towards your partner.
What It Means to NOT Go to Bed Angry
Not going to bed angry means that you have to fix the situation with your partner, even when you are not capable of doing it in a healthy way. This leads to chasing your partner to get an answer in an angry way. This leads to the partner shutting down and not being able to handle the heat of the moment. This advice does not allow for two partners to have a chance to take care of themselves in the moment, and to take care of their emotions. It pushes them to have a quick fix of the situation in an angry manner that only leads to more hurt and pain.
Taking Space Responsibly Can Help
It is important to learn to have space from your partner, but in a healthy and nurturing way that does not make your partner feel invalidated, rejected, or abandoned. This does not mean that you get to walk away and ignore your partner because you need space.
Here is what a healthy timeout/space looks like:
You discuss taking timeouts ahead of time in order to prevent emotional or other types of abuse in these heated moments.
You discuss the way you will share with your partner that you need space, whether you will use a T hand signal for time out, or if you decide to actually verbally say that you need a time out. When you verbally decide to say it, it can sound like, “Honey, I am feeling angry and overwhelmed. I love and care about you, which is why I need to take care of myself right now. I cannot have this conversation because I do not want to say things that I will later regret. Let’s go to bed and take this night to calm ourselves down. We will come back to this conversation (and you choose time and day when that will happen).” If this is too much to say in the moment when you feel angry, you can simply agree that a T hand sign for timeout means what I just mentioned above.
What It Means to Go to Bed Angry
Going to bed angry allows you to have time to cool off. It allows you to wake up with a clear head, and to begin your work on repairing your relationship. However, all of this needs to be discussed ahead of time with your partner, so both of you are on the same page and both of you feel nurtured, needed, validated, and loved, even when both of you take space from an argument.
If you are ready to take a step towards improving your relationship, contact me today!